Jealousy is defined as a feeling of resentment, fear and/ or suspicion of another person's rivalry, success or advantage. An intolerance of unfaithfulness or rivalry.
For the purpose of today's blog, I will define jealousy, as feeling of comparative demotion and/or a by-product of insecurities. In this definition, we can also extract simple sibling jealousy. Is the sibling just "hating" on his brother or is he jealous of the external attention the other child receives? He may feel less important or that what he has done isn't comparatively recognized on the same level of his sibling. Cain felt jealousy towards Abel. Why? His offering wasn't accepted the same. He felt rejected because his offering was demoted.
I use the word "comparative" because there is usually a point of reference, something that people internally compare their feelings to. "I used to feel this way but now I feel this way." "You used to treat me this way but now you treat me this way." It's usually predicated off of experiences shared, and these experiences serve as points of references. "I used to feel special but now I don't." "What I thought was sacred and special between us or something that was once mine, is now being shared with others." We sometimes feel jealousy towards people we haven't shared a level of intimacy with but it's more intense with people we have.
Jealousy is normal and can be a healthy emotion. We inherit it from our creator. What makes any emotion negative, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually is how we choose to respond to it. Emotions are indicators of our internal thermostats. They indicate how we are responding and internalizing the world around us;and if we are in harmony or if there's violations or disorder. Jealousy is an indicator that there something is off kilter, even momentarily.
Let's explore two roots causes of jealousy: Demotion and Insecurity.
God is a jealous god. He is intolerant of rivalry and unfaithfulness. What could make God, master architect of all creation, jealous? He made all things, he has millions who love and serve him and angels at his beck and call night and day. What could we do to make him feel jealous? The answer is simple, demotion. Demotion can be:
1. Not making someone a priority who was once a priority and now they have to rival for your time and attention, especially after they have showed love and service to you.
2. To share endearment and special placing in your life with someone else on a similar level or even seemingly.
3. The loss of intimacy, taking that which is special between you two and it becoming commonplace amongst others.
There are varying degrees of jealousy. A child hearing his/her parent calling another child their son or daughter could bring about a tinge of jealous. Or a dad hearing his daughter call another man Dad. We don't intentionally mean to hurt people. We are expressing a feeling of endearment and likening it to perhaps a feeling of love and nurture we have received or would like to receive. Nonetheless, what someone else is hearing is I am being replaced or I am not good enough so you found a replacement for me.
Jesus was God's only begotten son, and obeyed him, served him yet by virtue of Jesus' faithfulness and servitude, we became sons of God likewise. What if Christ got off the cross and said, "This is crap Father. I've done all the work but now you are gonna accept them, adopt them into our family?" Funny illustration, but those are real emotions we feel sometimes. "I lay down my life for you and someone else "undeserving" who hasn't contributed the same labor of love comes along and gets promoted to my level in your life. They are receiving the special attention I was privied to. They get the special attention I was accustomed to."
You can rationalize it or demonize it but when all the layers are pulled away, it hurts to feel your special place with someone is threatened. Perhaps someone else is receiving the special occasion and just because gifts we did or "good morning calls, emails and texts." They are called our pet names. They are receiving more of our loved one's time, which means we are receiving less. People are entitled to make changes in their lives and re-prioritize people's placings in their lives but it still causes discomfort and pain.
All people experience jealousy but we don't all express it the same way. Some express it outwardly by their countenance and actions. Others may express it indirectly by innuendos or withdrawal. While others may just candidly say it. Men are more logical and women more emotional, this doesn't mean the either side lacks in logic or emotional capabilities but one has a little bit more than the other. Not too much of either is too good. Nonetheless, the way jealousy is perceived and received to the other sex is where lies the problem. Women, in their emotional makeup, have a powerful gift called intuition, the ability to perceive without seeing or having concrete evidence or proof. Women are gatherers, always gathering information and details. Men are hunters, looking at the target, goal, the headlines. Yet sometimes signals get crossed because communication involves more than one person and perspective. In communication, we are always emitting and receiving cues/signals to and from one another.
When men say women are too emotional, men are applying logic to places that are illogical-emotions. When women say men are too insensitive or stoic, women are applying emotions to places of rationale-logic. Nevertheless, we feed off of one another. It's call and response.
Most people, regardless of gender, cannot express their potentially negative emotions in a healthy manner. They tend to avoid or ignore things that when metastasized can kill a relationship. Love in its nature is not jealous, nonetheless, you can take anything in its purest form and transform it into something it wasn't meant to be. God is love, God gets jealous. God isn't just sitting in heaven knit-picking waiting for you to do something to make him jealous. He is responding to your actions. He can feel a break in the circle of love, notice when you are deviating or re-prioritizing your life. God created both male and female, he's both giver and receiver, initiator and responder.
Nonetheless, sometimes people purposely try to induce jealousy in a loved one. That's a cry of pain that says "you hurt me by demoting me and now I want you to feel the same." People use what works. If discussing it rationally in a healthy conversation would render desired results, people would but when people realize that they are not free to speak and things result in arguments or awkward moments, then they resort to other methods of communicating displeasure. Who uses a weapon that is ineffective? Nonetheless, sometimes this backfires and causes damage because the other person gets wounded. A wound left unattended can become infected and potentially cause irreversible damage.
We should never try to hurt someone we love. Pain is pain. If we sow pain, we will reap pain. If we sow rejection, we reap it. Love is simple because it's something you do. Give the love you want. Give the respect you want. Give the honesty you want. Give the decisiveness you want. Give the clarity you want. Give the trust you want. Sometimes we are not receiving what we want or need because of what we are transmitting. Generally when people shut down on us, change their behavior or pattern, it's usually because of something they received from us, men and women alike.
Most men live in their past actions, because they have a resume of doing certain things, then those actions of yesterday should validate today's meaning. Even God knows that doesn't work, if so the only gift of love God should ever had to give was given at Calvary. Yet, God bestows his love, grace, mercy and blessings on us fresh daily. God gives his Word, his promises, his love and the longevity of those. If we don't trust God, who can we trust? Nonetheless, he knows the human heart grows faint. Knowing and consistently showing have to be in harmony. He expects the same from us. We said we loved him at the moment of salvation yet and he wants to be told and shown daily. This is a never-ending cycle and it's not laborious if you truly love a person. To love should come out effortlessly if you truly do. Why moderate love and the expression of it, in word or action?
Consistency rids unnecessary drama. If you like drama be inconsistent, you will definitely reap the consequences. People find refuge in patterns because patterns lend to certainty and dependability. They translate "I can count on you". The Bible is a summation of patterns that express God's nature, character and consistency. He changes not. Consistency means responsibility and accountability. We should not marry people who shun accountability, responsibility and consistency towards us. When you see signs of wavering and inconsistency, those are indications that this person is unstable and they are about to take us on an emotional rollercoaster.
Jealousy can be birth out of simple situations that are so easily managed and controlled. Don't expect standards, you don't demonstrate. Don't expect timely returned phone calls if you don't it. Don't expect smiles and compliments if you don't give them. Don't expect accolades and gratitude for something you didn't do. Don't be jealous if all of the aforemetioned are being displayed to someone else. Patterns duplicate. Love is the same yesterday, today and forever. When we switch up these patterns, whether for reasons explained or unexplained, we have planted seeds that may reap a harvest we may not want. Rid jealousy by being more thoughtful in your actions and consistent.
Swap places with the other people, how would I feel if...? Be honest! Some people might not feel bothered but if you know this is a sore spot with someone then act accordingly. An arrogant spirit says "Oh well your problem, not mine. Fight those feelings. I'm not your doctor or nurse." We all have the capabilities to be healers. Jealousy is best handled with open non-threatening dialogue. Attack the problems but never the person. When you love someone you care about them enough to inconvenience yourself. Also be responsible and accountable to what signals, expressions and actions you are transmitting out.
Another root cause cause of jealous stems from one's own personal insecurities or things imagined and not actualized. If a person has been consistent in their behavior towards you and you begin to invent areas of contention, you must gain power over your own thoughts. The first love is self-love. A part of loving ourselves is taking care of our mental and emotional health by conquering our stinking thinking. We create more drama in our minds than what need to maifest in our lives because of our unfounded thoughts and imagination.
A man says to his wife of 10 years, "I would love to see you wear more dresses and make yourself up." Not a hard request, especially if said in a loving tone and circumstance and neither threatening nor belittling. She may be a sweatsuit person but if she finds pleasure in pleasing him, whom she has promised her eternal love to, then it maybe a challenge but one she would gladly take on. It would please her to bring him that pleasure. Nonetheless, selfishness says "No". 'I don't like dresses! I don't like makeup! This is how I am and always been. I've had you all these years, why the change now? I didn't need that stuff to get you! Are you seeing someone else?" Now jealousy is birthed. Someone's simple request and the other's inability to be flexible and versatile. People love the benefits of someone else's love but sometimes they, themselves, don't want to reciprocate in sacrifice. It would be as simple as to say, "I don't like this but guess what baby, I love you. I'll work on it."
Perhaps from that point on, every time she sees a well-dressed woman she is going to cut her eyes across to him. Every well-groomed woman becomes her new foe. Perhaps she knows she's not on her A-game and can do better. Her unrelenting decision to make a small sacrifice yielded her a nasty disposition and contention in her marriage. Other women, who are intuition driven, will dread being in her presence. Women dislike jealousy women and women who posture themselves on the defensive and overtly flaunting. She, likewise, will find fault in her husband to equalize the displeasure he has in her dress style and lack of personal care.
This situation can be resolved and that will be another blog.
On the same hand, a man who may not like the condition of his body may feel uncomfortable or sarcastic when his woman is in the presence of men he thinks she should find attractive. Unless, she is overtly giving these men inappropriate attention and gawking or always making references to his imperfections; then once again jealousy is birthed. He gave birth to it within their relationship because of his insecurities. Jealousy is sometimes so easily birthed out of personal insecurities, especially when we have let ourselves go or haven't been on our A-game.
It's always important to know the root causes of jealousy so it can be treated and healed properly. Do not let someone have to self-heal from a wound you helped to inflict. Help them with the process. On the other hand, don't punish someone because of insecurities that lie within yourself. Work on you and not only will you feel better but others will feel about you.
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