Healing from Self-Negligence

Considering we keep 24/7 company with ourselves, it is deeply painful to put up with someone we don't get along with. Someone whose motives and actions are suspect, who we are convinced will goof up, who we cannot trust to get us safely through life. The sense of being a divided self, one part at war with the other, is so deeply painful that it is at the root of most neuroses and psychoses.~Suma Varughese

In the movie, 7 Pounds, Tim Thomas's negligence in a car accident takes the lives of 7 people, including his beloved wife. In an act of self-redemption, he takes on the identity of his brother “Ben, and searches for 7 deserving people to whom he can give “7 pounds of flesh” (i.e. Organs) as gifts of life. In his final act of redemption, he sacrifices his life so a new love can live. Sounds extremely noble, Self-Sacrifice and Redemption. He admits to his love interest Emily, “I haven't been pretty good to myself.” His body wore the scars of his "sacrifices". Good plot for a movie but no need for martyrdom. Christ made the ultimate sacrifice by which all are candidates for redemption. Isn't that good news!

We all make mistakes and as life goes on will continue to, however hopefully less. Some are indeed catastrophic and fatal and may have a trickle down effect on not only us but the ones we love. Nonetheless, we have to learn how not to drown ourselves in the shame of those mistakes, and therefore make even bigger ones that may be fatal. The first love is self-love, yet and still sometimes we don't embrace it. We see it as selfishness. How does a mother take care of her infant growing inside if first she doesn't take care of herself? Nonetheless, we neglect ourselves and say it's in the name of love. We sin against ourselves.

How do we violate ourselves:
1. Not making ourselves a priority, throwing life jackets to the world but drowning ourselves.
2. Not taking time to purge and heal from offenses, trying to self-heal.
3. Overextending ourselves until our well runs dry.
4. Not taking care of our affairs, letting things get out of control.
5. Holding onto unforgiveness and resentment.
6. Surrounding ourselves with negative influences.
7. Violating and not adhering to universal principles by which to guide our lives.
8. Using vices to relieve pain and stress but never seeking help and healing.
9. Not placing a value on our self-worth.
10. Resisting the various cycles of maturation and growth in our lives.
11. Refraining from cutting off unhealthy relationships.
12. Not embracing peace by releasing things that are out of our control.
13. Limiting God's provision for us through other people.
14. Always reacting to life instead of being proactive.
15. Allowing ourselves to become victims instead of victors.
16. Not releasing or forgiving ourselves when we err.

All of these things can bring unnecessary burdens and stresses into our lives. When we have sinned against ourselves it begins to show in various areas, our health, our attitudes, our dispositions, our homes, and our relationships. We begin to ridicule people who do love themselves and hate on them for no sound reasons at all. We are irritated by our peers' successes in life. We become like Adam and Eve in the garden, we begin to hide ourselves away from those who love us most. We try to cut ourselves off, numbing ourselves to those things we lack and ignore or avoid them.

We don't feel deserving of love or amnesty yet we desperately need them. It is harder to cover up things than to expose them. Nonetheless, our pride and shame dictate that we cover up. This cover up usually begins a web of lies and deceit as we try to mask our ills and problems. Instead of Tim forgiving himself and perhaps opening up a non-profit that facilitated giving life to many or millions through various veins, he let guilt eat away at him. Guilt is the worse company to keep. Don't entertain guilt too long because it will have you isolated and very alone in places very deep inside. Guilt does not give wise counsel, it brings about self-damnation if harbored. It's almost like a computer virus, very hard to rid and sometimes corrupts our hard drives.

The Solutions
1.Identify the problems and deal with them head on. Don't ignore or avoid them, they won't go away. They will only get worse.
2. Come out of the bushes of shame, guilt and pride. Stopping hiding and confess your errs to those who mean the most. Don't let your errs drive a wedge of confusion between you and them that could be mistaken for something else. Most often you won't lose their respect but gain it.
3. Allow God to send you beckons of life and love to you to empower you to prosper in the various areas of your life which you have neglected.
4.Embrace the positivity that all things are possible and will (not perhaps) work together for your good.
5. Make a road map for change and enact it as soon as possible.
6. Embrace wisdom, instruction and correction.

We have to learn to love ourselves because we are gifts from God, each of us possess a multiplicity of seeds of blessings, ideas and opportunities ready to be sown into the Earth. We have to love ourselves and become our own best friends. When we love ourselves, we don't hurt or neglect ourselves. When we chose to love ourselves we won't pine so much for the love of others. We can be at harmony with ourselves and live life to our standards and not lower ours to others', just because we shun being alone. We learn how to maintain our physical, mental, and spiritual health. We place value on our good name from our finances to our integrity. This is your lease on life, make the best out of it and enjoy it to the fullest.

Trust: The Window of Transparency

“The key is to get to know people and trust them to be who they are. Instead, we trust people to be who we want them to be- and when they're not, we cry.”~Unknown

What is Trust?
Let's define trust with two definitions. First, an unrelenting certainty and belief in someone's ability to be consistent and transparent. Secondly, trust can be defined as our belief that another person can be a good steward of our confidence and/or personal business. Usually when trust has been broken, the person who has broken that trust becomes inconsistent and is masking this violation with secrecy and lies.

How is Trust Gained?
Trust can be given or earned. Some people extend trust to others by virtue of them seeing the good in all people or how they perceive themselves, trustworthy. If you posture yourself as a friend towards them, they instantly bestow trust upon you. To others trust is an inner sanctum that must be gained through admission of deeds and actions. Perhaps, in their past, trust has been violated and now they are guarded and they look for consistency and transparency in order to render their trust to you. Regardless of which way trust is established, it is painful when it is violated.

Why Violate Trust?
No one really wakes up one day and says, “Today is a good day to break trust!” Sometimes people violate trust because of their innate inability to be honest and transparent. They are not comfortable with transparency which leads to vulnerability. Sometimes people violate trust because they don't believe the violation will be discovered. Sometimes people violate trust not necessarily because of something wrong with the person, but issues unresolved within themselves. We could postulate several reasons and explanations as to why people violate trust but just know if you are breathing and living you HAVE violated someone's trust, whether it be God's, your parent's, friend's, child's or spouse's.

You may have discussed another friend's personal business with someone else. Even if they didn't tell you not to tell anyone; most friends don't feel like they have to. They tell you their business in the confidence of knowing they can trust you to be a good steward with it. No one under the sun is not being discussed. If you are not being discussed , then you are irrelevant. Everyone discusses everyone, part of being a good steward is also knowing who to share our loved one's business to and who not. If they are damaged because you chose to share their business with the wrong person and in addition, it comes back to them, then damage has been done to the relationship. It also shows that in your circle of friends, you have not been a good judge of character as to who to share your confidence. Just because we are honest and trustworthy people doesn't mean we are without glitch or shortcoming. To say I am honest and trustworthy simply means, those are what I practice; not that I am incapable of being dishonest.

Repairing Trust
The good news is Trust can be healed and renewed IF both parties are active and diligent participants. Each person must determine the value of the relationship. What is it worth to them? If they are unequally yoked in their responses then they should move on. There's no need to live in disharmony and agony over something that isn't equally valued. The world is full of people which whom we can build other relationships with. People have to place the same value on the relationship. The onus of this repair usually lies on the one who violated the trust, but if the other person truly values the relationship they have the greater responsibility. Let's dissect this further:

The Offender:
1. must actively and diligently be consistent in their behavior
2. must actively and diligently be consistent in their transparency
3. must purge or repair whatever was the root cause that initiated their actions

These are reasonable requests and nothing over the top. How long should they do it? These are standards and principles. Transparency and consistency have no expiration. On the latter, we all have some form of baggage and need for maturation. We should always be evolving into better people. This is our journey of self-evolution in life, working on us, so we can in turn be blessings to others. First love is self-love.

The Offended:
1. must forgive the offense
2. must emotionally detach themselves from the offense

The reason why these are greater tasks is 2-out-of-3 of the offender's redemption is connected to some external demonstration. The offended person's process is internal. Most people can exhibit external facades but we cannot mask our internal. The offended's conversation and remarks may indicate signs of unforgiveness and that they are still keeping the offense alive. Nonetheless, after time their outward expressions of unforgiveness may change but it doesn't mean they have forgotten and therefore it be a cancer slowly metastasizing secretly throughout the years.

We have to stop, look, listen and examine the condition of our hearts. We have to diligently and actively pursue forgiveness, it's not inherent of us yet we are capable of it. It's in our circle of control. We cannot control others but we can control ourselves. A mature love says, “ I love you in advance for all the things you will say and do that will hurt me. You are flawed being, like me, and you will hurt me whether knowingly or unknowingly, but I love you anyhow. My commitment to you is to love you as I love myself.” That's the posture we should take in our relationships. That's the posture Christ took towards us when he died for us, for the the remission of our sins. Love sacrifices self so that life can strive and thrive, and a part of that sacrifice is the gift of forgiveness. We all are candidates to receive it.