When we are preparing for success, what does that mean? The word success is so watered down because people define it to meet whatever metrics they set in their lives. Let's explore a simple definition of success, “our ability to respond to life and still being able to maintain a pure heart and a healthy perspective.”
What is life? Life is the summation of all planned, unplanned, both negative and positive experiences that we will encounter in our allotted time on this place called Earth. People usually connect success to acquiring, obtaining or maintaining things. To some success is merely overcoming the odds, having victory over defeat. Nonetheless, what happens when things don't go as planned? What happens when you lose. What happens when the odds are against you and they overtake you? What happens when open doors close? Can you still be victorious, be successful?
Yes, victory is overcoming defeat but victory is also how we respond to defeat. Yes, the path to success may appear as a meandering road of open doors, but not all open doors are portals to blessings in our lives. Sometimes open doors are portals to destruction and God closes them to protect us. Success is being able to respond to when things don't go as planned and you can still say “it is well in my soul.”
If success was just predicated on our abilities to achieve and obtain, then what happens when we don't? People prepare themselves for the best case scenarios but when life occurs they are ill-prepared for the opposing outcomes. Perhaps when growing up you were told success is having a job, house and a family? What happens if you lose those things? Does that make you a failure? The good news is NO. Failure is your inability to respond to LIFE.
A house is a thing and all things are replaceable. Your credit may hit ground zero but like most things it can be rebuilt in time. If you lose your job, the good news is there are more jobs. Is success having a large company? What if the company is filled with people who are lethargic and non-productive? Some times losing things makes room for other things to manifest. A tree cannot keep its leaves forever, it must lose them so new ones can grow. Sometimes we have to rid the dead weight in our lives that is causing us to drown. Stop holding onto to images of success and acquire a successful perspective, mindset. Don't be in the pursuit of success. Success is inside of you with every decision or response you make.
People plan a wedding but perhaps not marriage and definitely not divorce? Divorce is as much a part of life as marriage; they are both choices and neither have mandates. Is success in marriage years spent to together? What if those years are havoc and both people build silent contempt in their hearts for one another? Does marriage fail or do we fail marriage? Marriage is an institution designed by God, therefore we know it is indeed a good thing. If your doesn't work out, no big deal. Work on whatever residual issues you have and make better choices as far as spouses in the future, if you choose marriage again. Whatever the case keep a clean perspective and a pure heart. Don't desecrate marriage because someone may have desecrated you. Don't dog-out a whole gender because of your lack of discernment in selecting a lifetime companion.
Everything in life happens in cycles. We have seasons of peace and we have seasons of chaos. Learn to be prepared before the storm. Stock up on joy, peace, patience, and understanding. These things will help you keep your inner lights on even when your external ones go out. Whatever you have going into the storm, come back out with those things. They may get low and may need to be replenished but that's where your reserves come in, your friends. Success is a perspective that regardless of whatever happens to me, I'm not losing my mind, my joy, or my peace.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
You Are Dirt: Sow Into Yourself
God formed Man out of dirt from the ground and blew into his nostrils the breath of life. The Man came alive—a living soul!~Genesis 2:7 (The Message)
In Hebrew "man" comes from the same word as "soil." Soil is synonymous with the words , dust, earth and dirt. Sometimes people exclaim, “I am as poor as dirt.” Why, because when we look at dirt we see no value. Nonetheless, farmers need dirt to plant seeds. Within dirt there are various particles and minerals that if mixed with the right elements cannot only produce, maintain but also recycle life. God looked at nothing (dirt) and saw something. When God created us he used 4 important elements: Vision, Substance, Talent, Inspiration.
Vision. Nothing begins without an idea, a thought. Have a vision, a plan, and a purpose for that which you are creating.
Substance. We have to have a substance to sow into. The good news is we and others are that substance. Know that you are good ground to sow into. Go beyond what you see before you in your current situations and circumstances.
Talent. An artist takes a canvas and makes it a painting. The canvas is nothing with the artist's imagination, talents and abilities. A creation does not create itself, it is the summation of its creator's ideas and work.
Inspiration. When God breathed upon us, he gave us life, hope, and inspiration. Without inspiration we are like expensive sports car sitting on flat tires.
Sometimes when we look at our lives, we are displeased at our outcomes. When we do self-inventory, we may have fallen short of the goals and/ or dreams we set for ourselves. Nonetheless, we are dirt, the earth, soil and are capable of regenerating our lives. Sometimes we don't take care of our soil and we let it become dry, hard and brittle. Guess what? We have been given the power of regeneration. It all starts in our minds and hearts. Grab hold to a new vision for your life. Use your talents and abilities fueled by the power of your imagination and inspiration and become a new creation, someone that the world has never seen before. Before we can manifest anything on the external, it must be birthed on the internal.
In Hebrew "man" comes from the same word as "soil." Soil is synonymous with the words , dust, earth and dirt. Sometimes people exclaim, “I am as poor as dirt.” Why, because when we look at dirt we see no value. Nonetheless, farmers need dirt to plant seeds. Within dirt there are various particles and minerals that if mixed with the right elements cannot only produce, maintain but also recycle life. God looked at nothing (dirt) and saw something. When God created us he used 4 important elements: Vision, Substance, Talent, Inspiration.
Vision. Nothing begins without an idea, a thought. Have a vision, a plan, and a purpose for that which you are creating.
Substance. We have to have a substance to sow into. The good news is we and others are that substance. Know that you are good ground to sow into. Go beyond what you see before you in your current situations and circumstances.
Talent. An artist takes a canvas and makes it a painting. The canvas is nothing with the artist's imagination, talents and abilities. A creation does not create itself, it is the summation of its creator's ideas and work.
Inspiration. When God breathed upon us, he gave us life, hope, and inspiration. Without inspiration we are like expensive sports car sitting on flat tires.
Sometimes when we look at our lives, we are displeased at our outcomes. When we do self-inventory, we may have fallen short of the goals and/ or dreams we set for ourselves. Nonetheless, we are dirt, the earth, soil and are capable of regenerating our lives. Sometimes we don't take care of our soil and we let it become dry, hard and brittle. Guess what? We have been given the power of regeneration. It all starts in our minds and hearts. Grab hold to a new vision for your life. Use your talents and abilities fueled by the power of your imagination and inspiration and become a new creation, someone that the world has never seen before. Before we can manifest anything on the external, it must be birthed on the internal.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Life Begins Today
Today you have 100% of your life left.~Tom Landry
Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.~Maria Robinson
Remember today, for it is the beginning of always. Today marks the start of a brave new future filled with all your dreams can hold. Think truly to the future and make those dreams come true.~Unknown
Yesterday is a canceled check; tomorrow is a promissory note; today is the only cash you have - so spend it wisely.~Kay Lyons
We cannot allow ourselves to be consumed in the thoughts of yesterday with the would've, should've or could've thoughts. They are self-defeating and torturous. On the other hand, we cannot be taken with the thoughts of tomorrow because sometimes they lead to fear of the unknown. We have to cease today! What your life has become or will become is irrelevant. Your life begins right now, today!
Today you have decisions and choices. Today you have the authority over your situations and circumstances. They may be different than yesterday's issues, but you still have options and power to enact them. Today is a vital step into your destiny. This day will become one of many yesterdays; and you have the creative power to create what the scrapbook of your life will look like.
"I should have gone to college." Good news, colleges are still accepting applications every day and there is no age limitation. If you need funding and can't get scholarships, it's called "student loans".
"I should have settled down and had a family." Good news, people are still getting married every day and doctors are still delivering births. If you can't have a baby naturally there are other alternatives.
"I shouldn't have let myself go." Good news, healthy eating and exercise work and where they fail plastic surgery can jump start you.
I should have done this, I should have done that. Bottom-line is if you really feel that passionate about it, consider the cost (mental, physical, time or financial) and get busy! You are your biggest foe or ally.
Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.~Maria Robinson
Remember today, for it is the beginning of always. Today marks the start of a brave new future filled with all your dreams can hold. Think truly to the future and make those dreams come true.~Unknown
Yesterday is a canceled check; tomorrow is a promissory note; today is the only cash you have - so spend it wisely.~Kay Lyons
We cannot allow ourselves to be consumed in the thoughts of yesterday with the would've, should've or could've thoughts. They are self-defeating and torturous. On the other hand, we cannot be taken with the thoughts of tomorrow because sometimes they lead to fear of the unknown. We have to cease today! What your life has become or will become is irrelevant. Your life begins right now, today!
Today you have decisions and choices. Today you have the authority over your situations and circumstances. They may be different than yesterday's issues, but you still have options and power to enact them. Today is a vital step into your destiny. This day will become one of many yesterdays; and you have the creative power to create what the scrapbook of your life will look like.
"I should have gone to college." Good news, colleges are still accepting applications every day and there is no age limitation. If you need funding and can't get scholarships, it's called "student loans".
"I should have settled down and had a family." Good news, people are still getting married every day and doctors are still delivering births. If you can't have a baby naturally there are other alternatives.
"I shouldn't have let myself go." Good news, healthy eating and exercise work and where they fail plastic surgery can jump start you.
I should have done this, I should have done that. Bottom-line is if you really feel that passionate about it, consider the cost (mental, physical, time or financial) and get busy! You are your biggest foe or ally.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Happiness: To Be or Not To Be?
People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within.~Roman Anderson
Are you searching for happiness? Well, look no further! The good news is, it's closer than you think. Some times people spend all their lives searching for things that God has already given them access to. Happiness is not found, it is a decision within. Happiness is an inner condition within our beings that allows felicity, enjoyment and contentment. If we want happiness, we must allow ourselves to experience it.
Some times we look external of ourselves to find happiness and get very frustrated and disappointed when we only experience glimpses of it. Why, because we are borrowing someone else's happiness. Don't expect to find in others that which doesn't exist in yourself. Happiness is not what you should aim to acquire from relationships or situations but that which you bring with you into them. If not, then you enter those various experiences very needy. Your unfullfillment and displeasure with your life and circumstances then become strains on your relationships, because you are depending on someone else to deliver you from your own internal purgatory.
How to Unleash Happiness:
1. Learn to live through mistakes and not with them
We all screw up. Big deal! Get over it and move on. Failure is an event and never a person. Wipe the dust off of you and move on. Don't carry baggage with you. Baggage weighs happiness down to the ground.
2. Watch who and what you are allowing to influence you
Association yields assimilation. Hang around people who have made conscious decisions to embrace happiness in their lives regardless of the outcomes. These are proactive and not reactive people. Also, watch what media you are allowing to affect your thought processes, whether it be the news, political commentating, movies, or talk radio. This does not mean shun being informed and current on today's issues. Nonetheless, don't let those issues become yours.
4. Shun ignorance, Make informed decisions
Don't just jump into anything, from business deals to personal relationships. Take your time and do your research. It may be a lot of work on the front-end but will save you a lot of misery on the back-end. Anything that is gold will not turn into tin.
5. Be grateful for all blessings and advantages both small and large
Don't look at life as the summation of all things that have gone wrong, rather all the things that have worked together for your good. When you allow yourself to do that, then you begin to create a mental tapestry of the beautiful landscape we all have been given called life.
6. Focus on your strengths
No one is excellent in all areas. The goal is to master what you are good at and outsource that which you are not. Don't dwell on what you can't do. Use wisdom and discernment and surround yourself with people who balance you in those particular areas of challenge.
7. Have your money right
Not too many people are going to be happy in life if there money isn't right. It takes money to survive. Take care of your money and it will take care of you. It's called good stewardship. Don't work for money, let your money work for you. People sometimes understate or exaggerate the value of money. The simple truth is, we need money to live, but we should not live for money.
8. Say Yea! or Nay!
Learn how to say yes! Learn how to say no! Learn how to say both in their proper seasons and situations. This will make life less demanding and stressful.
9. Reverse Stinking Thinking
What we think usually becomes our reality. What we think usually spills out of our mouths. Don't confess negative things about yourself, situations, circumstances or relationships. You will have what you say. Embrace the power of positive affirmations. Don't say "this always or never happens to me". No time for pity-parties.
10. Embrace Transparency
The less fronts you fake, the less energy you expend trying to maintain the facades. Be transparent, what you see is what you get. True harmony is when the public you and the private you are one of the same.
11. Unveil Your Purpose
Discover what your purpose is. What were you birthed into this world to do? When you discover that, pursue it passionately. When we are not doing what we are passionate about it shows in various ways. No one is forcing you to do anything. You can change careers even if all your education and experience is towards something else. Don't let people and responsibilities put you into a box. It suffocates the happiness within.
12. Healthy Body and Minds
Give equal importance to your mental and physical health. Take care of your body from the internal to the external. Take care of your mind from your emotions to your thoughts.
Are you searching for happiness? Well, look no further! The good news is, it's closer than you think. Some times people spend all their lives searching for things that God has already given them access to. Happiness is not found, it is a decision within. Happiness is an inner condition within our beings that allows felicity, enjoyment and contentment. If we want happiness, we must allow ourselves to experience it.
Some times we look external of ourselves to find happiness and get very frustrated and disappointed when we only experience glimpses of it. Why, because we are borrowing someone else's happiness. Don't expect to find in others that which doesn't exist in yourself. Happiness is not what you should aim to acquire from relationships or situations but that which you bring with you into them. If not, then you enter those various experiences very needy. Your unfullfillment and displeasure with your life and circumstances then become strains on your relationships, because you are depending on someone else to deliver you from your own internal purgatory.
How to Unleash Happiness:
1. Learn to live through mistakes and not with them
We all screw up. Big deal! Get over it and move on. Failure is an event and never a person. Wipe the dust off of you and move on. Don't carry baggage with you. Baggage weighs happiness down to the ground.
2. Watch who and what you are allowing to influence you
Association yields assimilation. Hang around people who have made conscious decisions to embrace happiness in their lives regardless of the outcomes. These are proactive and not reactive people. Also, watch what media you are allowing to affect your thought processes, whether it be the news, political commentating, movies, or talk radio. This does not mean shun being informed and current on today's issues. Nonetheless, don't let those issues become yours.
4. Shun ignorance, Make informed decisions
Don't just jump into anything, from business deals to personal relationships. Take your time and do your research. It may be a lot of work on the front-end but will save you a lot of misery on the back-end. Anything that is gold will not turn into tin.
5. Be grateful for all blessings and advantages both small and large
Don't look at life as the summation of all things that have gone wrong, rather all the things that have worked together for your good. When you allow yourself to do that, then you begin to create a mental tapestry of the beautiful landscape we all have been given called life.
6. Focus on your strengths
No one is excellent in all areas. The goal is to master what you are good at and outsource that which you are not. Don't dwell on what you can't do. Use wisdom and discernment and surround yourself with people who balance you in those particular areas of challenge.
7. Have your money right
Not too many people are going to be happy in life if there money isn't right. It takes money to survive. Take care of your money and it will take care of you. It's called good stewardship. Don't work for money, let your money work for you. People sometimes understate or exaggerate the value of money. The simple truth is, we need money to live, but we should not live for money.
8. Say Yea! or Nay!
Learn how to say yes! Learn how to say no! Learn how to say both in their proper seasons and situations. This will make life less demanding and stressful.
9. Reverse Stinking Thinking
What we think usually becomes our reality. What we think usually spills out of our mouths. Don't confess negative things about yourself, situations, circumstances or relationships. You will have what you say. Embrace the power of positive affirmations. Don't say "this always or never happens to me". No time for pity-parties.
10. Embrace Transparency
The less fronts you fake, the less energy you expend trying to maintain the facades. Be transparent, what you see is what you get. True harmony is when the public you and the private you are one of the same.
11. Unveil Your Purpose
Discover what your purpose is. What were you birthed into this world to do? When you discover that, pursue it passionately. When we are not doing what we are passionate about it shows in various ways. No one is forcing you to do anything. You can change careers even if all your education and experience is towards something else. Don't let people and responsibilities put you into a box. It suffocates the happiness within.
12. Healthy Body and Minds
Give equal importance to your mental and physical health. Take care of your body from the internal to the external. Take care of your mind from your emotions to your thoughts.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Healing from Self-Negligence
Considering we keep 24/7 company with ourselves, it is deeply painful to put up with someone we don't get along with. Someone whose motives and actions are suspect, who we are convinced will goof up, who we cannot trust to get us safely through life. The sense of being a divided self, one part at war with the other, is so deeply painful that it is at the root of most neuroses and psychoses.~Suma Varughese
In the movie, 7 Pounds, Tim Thomas's negligence in a car accident takes the lives of 7 people, including his beloved wife. In an act of self-redemption, he takes on the identity of his brother “Ben, and searches for 7 deserving people to whom he can give “7 pounds of flesh” (i.e. Organs) as gifts of life. In his final act of redemption, he sacrifices his life so a new love can live. Sounds extremely noble, Self-Sacrifice and Redemption. He admits to his love interest Emily, “I haven't been pretty good to myself.” His body wore the scars of his "sacrifices". Good plot for a movie but no need for martyrdom. Christ made the ultimate sacrifice by which all are candidates for redemption. Isn't that good news!
We all make mistakes and as life goes on will continue to, however hopefully less. Some are indeed catastrophic and fatal and may have a trickle down effect on not only us but the ones we love. Nonetheless, we have to learn how not to drown ourselves in the shame of those mistakes, and therefore make even bigger ones that may be fatal. The first love is self-love, yet and still sometimes we don't embrace it. We see it as selfishness. How does a mother take care of her infant growing inside if first she doesn't take care of herself? Nonetheless, we neglect ourselves and say it's in the name of love. We sin against ourselves.
How do we violate ourselves:
1. Not making ourselves a priority, throwing life jackets to the world but drowning ourselves.
2. Not taking time to purge and heal from offenses, trying to self-heal.
3. Overextending ourselves until our well runs dry.
4. Not taking care of our affairs, letting things get out of control.
5. Holding onto unforgiveness and resentment.
6. Surrounding ourselves with negative influences.
7. Violating and not adhering to universal principles by which to guide our lives.
8. Using vices to relieve pain and stress but never seeking help and healing.
9. Not placing a value on our self-worth.
10. Resisting the various cycles of maturation and growth in our lives.
11. Refraining from cutting off unhealthy relationships.
12. Not embracing peace by releasing things that are out of our control.
13. Limiting God's provision for us through other people.
14. Always reacting to life instead of being proactive.
15. Allowing ourselves to become victims instead of victors.
16. Not releasing or forgiving ourselves when we err.
In the movie, 7 Pounds, Tim Thomas's negligence in a car accident takes the lives of 7 people, including his beloved wife. In an act of self-redemption, he takes on the identity of his brother “Ben, and searches for 7 deserving people to whom he can give “7 pounds of flesh” (i.e. Organs) as gifts of life. In his final act of redemption, he sacrifices his life so a new love can live. Sounds extremely noble, Self-Sacrifice and Redemption. He admits to his love interest Emily, “I haven't been pretty good to myself.” His body wore the scars of his "sacrifices". Good plot for a movie but no need for martyrdom. Christ made the ultimate sacrifice by which all are candidates for redemption. Isn't that good news!
We all make mistakes and as life goes on will continue to, however hopefully less. Some are indeed catastrophic and fatal and may have a trickle down effect on not only us but the ones we love. Nonetheless, we have to learn how not to drown ourselves in the shame of those mistakes, and therefore make even bigger ones that may be fatal. The first love is self-love, yet and still sometimes we don't embrace it. We see it as selfishness. How does a mother take care of her infant growing inside if first she doesn't take care of herself? Nonetheless, we neglect ourselves and say it's in the name of love. We sin against ourselves.
How do we violate ourselves:
1. Not making ourselves a priority, throwing life jackets to the world but drowning ourselves.
2. Not taking time to purge and heal from offenses, trying to self-heal.
3. Overextending ourselves until our well runs dry.
4. Not taking care of our affairs, letting things get out of control.
5. Holding onto unforgiveness and resentment.
6. Surrounding ourselves with negative influences.
7. Violating and not adhering to universal principles by which to guide our lives.
8. Using vices to relieve pain and stress but never seeking help and healing.
9. Not placing a value on our self-worth.
10. Resisting the various cycles of maturation and growth in our lives.
11. Refraining from cutting off unhealthy relationships.
12. Not embracing peace by releasing things that are out of our control.
13. Limiting God's provision for us through other people.
14. Always reacting to life instead of being proactive.
15. Allowing ourselves to become victims instead of victors.
16. Not releasing or forgiving ourselves when we err.
All of these things can bring unnecessary burdens and stresses into our lives. When we have sinned against ourselves it begins to show in various areas, our health, our attitudes, our dispositions, our homes, and our relationships. We begin to ridicule people who do love themselves and hate on them for no sound reasons at all. We are irritated by our peers' successes in life. We become like Adam and Eve in the garden, we begin to hide ourselves away from those who love us most. We try to cut ourselves off, numbing ourselves to those things we lack and ignore or avoid them.
We don't feel deserving of love or amnesty yet we desperately need them. It is harder to cover up things than to expose them. Nonetheless, our pride and shame dictate that we cover up. This cover up usually begins a web of lies and deceit as we try to mask our ills and problems. Instead of Tim forgiving himself and perhaps opening up a non-profit that facilitated giving life to many or millions through various veins, he let guilt eat away at him. Guilt is the worse company to keep. Don't entertain guilt too long because it will have you isolated and very alone in places very deep inside. Guilt does not give wise counsel, it brings about self-damnation if harbored. It's almost like a computer virus, very hard to rid and sometimes corrupts our hard drives.
The Solutions
1.Identify the problems and deal with them head on. Don't ignore or avoid them, they won't go away. They will only get worse.
2. Come out of the bushes of shame, guilt and pride. Stopping hiding and confess your errs to those who mean the most. Don't let your errs drive a wedge of confusion between you and them that could be mistaken for something else. Most often you won't lose their respect but gain it.
3. Allow God to send you beckons of life and love to you to empower you to prosper in the various areas of your life which you have neglected.
4.Embrace the positivity that all things are possible and will (not perhaps) work together for your good.
5. Make a road map for change and enact it as soon as possible.
6. Embrace wisdom, instruction and correction.
We have to learn to love ourselves because we are gifts from God, each of us possess a multiplicity of seeds of blessings, ideas and opportunities ready to be sown into the Earth. We have to love ourselves and become our own best friends. When we love ourselves, we don't hurt or neglect ourselves. When we chose to love ourselves we won't pine so much for the love of others. We can be at harmony with ourselves and live life to our standards and not lower ours to others', just because we shun being alone. We learn how to maintain our physical, mental, and spiritual health. We place value on our good name from our finances to our integrity. This is your lease on life, make the best out of it and enjoy it to the fullest.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Trust: The Window of Transparency
“The key is to get to know people and trust them to be who they are. Instead, we trust people to be who we want them to be- and when they're not, we cry.”~Unknown
What is Trust?
Let's define trust with two definitions. First, an unrelenting certainty and belief in someone's ability to be consistent and transparent. Secondly, trust can be defined as our belief that another person can be a good steward of our confidence and/or personal business. Usually when trust has been broken, the person who has broken that trust becomes inconsistent and is masking this violation with secrecy and lies.
How is Trust Gained?
Trust can be given or earned. Some people extend trust to others by virtue of them seeing the good in all people or how they perceive themselves, trustworthy. If you posture yourself as a friend towards them, they instantly bestow trust upon you. To others trust is an inner sanctum that must be gained through admission of deeds and actions. Perhaps, in their past, trust has been violated and now they are guarded and they look for consistency and transparency in order to render their trust to you. Regardless of which way trust is established, it is painful when it is violated.
Why Violate Trust?
No one really wakes up one day and says, “Today is a good day to break trust!” Sometimes people violate trust because of their innate inability to be honest and transparent. They are not comfortable with transparency which leads to vulnerability. Sometimes people violate trust because they don't believe the violation will be discovered. Sometimes people violate trust not necessarily because of something wrong with the person, but issues unresolved within themselves. We could postulate several reasons and explanations as to why people violate trust but just know if you are breathing and living you HAVE violated someone's trust, whether it be God's, your parent's, friend's, child's or spouse's.
You may have discussed another friend's personal business with someone else. Even if they didn't tell you not to tell anyone; most friends don't feel like they have to. They tell you their business in the confidence of knowing they can trust you to be a good steward with it. No one under the sun is not being discussed. If you are not being discussed , then you are irrelevant. Everyone discusses everyone, part of being a good steward is also knowing who to share our loved one's business to and who not. If they are damaged because you chose to share their business with the wrong person and in addition, it comes back to them, then damage has been done to the relationship. It also shows that in your circle of friends, you have not been a good judge of character as to who to share your confidence. Just because we are honest and trustworthy people doesn't mean we are without glitch or shortcoming. To say I am honest and trustworthy simply means, those are what I practice; not that I am incapable of being dishonest.
Repairing Trust
The good news is Trust can be healed and renewed IF both parties are active and diligent participants. Each person must determine the value of the relationship. What is it worth to them? If they are unequally yoked in their responses then they should move on. There's no need to live in disharmony and agony over something that isn't equally valued. The world is full of people which whom we can build other relationships with. People have to place the same value on the relationship. The onus of this repair usually lies on the one who violated the trust, but if the other person truly values the relationship they have the greater responsibility. Let's dissect this further:
The Offender:
1. must actively and diligently be consistent in their behavior
2. must actively and diligently be consistent in their transparency
3. must purge or repair whatever was the root cause that initiated their actions
These are reasonable requests and nothing over the top. How long should they do it? These are standards and principles. Transparency and consistency have no expiration. On the latter, we all have some form of baggage and need for maturation. We should always be evolving into better people. This is our journey of self-evolution in life, working on us, so we can in turn be blessings to others. First love is self-love.
The Offended:
1. must forgive the offense
2. must emotionally detach themselves from the offense
The reason why these are greater tasks is 2-out-of-3 of the offender's redemption is connected to some external demonstration. The offended person's process is internal. Most people can exhibit external facades but we cannot mask our internal. The offended's conversation and remarks may indicate signs of unforgiveness and that they are still keeping the offense alive. Nonetheless, after time their outward expressions of unforgiveness may change but it doesn't mean they have forgotten and therefore it be a cancer slowly metastasizing secretly throughout the years.
We have to stop, look, listen and examine the condition of our hearts. We have to diligently and actively pursue forgiveness, it's not inherent of us yet we are capable of it. It's in our circle of control. We cannot control others but we can control ourselves. A mature love says, “ I love you in advance for all the things you will say and do that will hurt me. You are flawed being, like me, and you will hurt me whether knowingly or unknowingly, but I love you anyhow. My commitment to you is to love you as I love myself.” That's the posture we should take in our relationships. That's the posture Christ took towards us when he died for us, for the the remission of our sins. Love sacrifices self so that life can strive and thrive, and a part of that sacrifice is the gift of forgiveness. We all are candidates to receive it.
What is Trust?
Let's define trust with two definitions. First, an unrelenting certainty and belief in someone's ability to be consistent and transparent. Secondly, trust can be defined as our belief that another person can be a good steward of our confidence and/or personal business. Usually when trust has been broken, the person who has broken that trust becomes inconsistent and is masking this violation with secrecy and lies.
How is Trust Gained?
Trust can be given or earned. Some people extend trust to others by virtue of them seeing the good in all people or how they perceive themselves, trustworthy. If you posture yourself as a friend towards them, they instantly bestow trust upon you. To others trust is an inner sanctum that must be gained through admission of deeds and actions. Perhaps, in their past, trust has been violated and now they are guarded and they look for consistency and transparency in order to render their trust to you. Regardless of which way trust is established, it is painful when it is violated.
Why Violate Trust?
No one really wakes up one day and says, “Today is a good day to break trust!” Sometimes people violate trust because of their innate inability to be honest and transparent. They are not comfortable with transparency which leads to vulnerability. Sometimes people violate trust because they don't believe the violation will be discovered. Sometimes people violate trust not necessarily because of something wrong with the person, but issues unresolved within themselves. We could postulate several reasons and explanations as to why people violate trust but just know if you are breathing and living you HAVE violated someone's trust, whether it be God's, your parent's, friend's, child's or spouse's.
You may have discussed another friend's personal business with someone else. Even if they didn't tell you not to tell anyone; most friends don't feel like they have to. They tell you their business in the confidence of knowing they can trust you to be a good steward with it. No one under the sun is not being discussed. If you are not being discussed , then you are irrelevant. Everyone discusses everyone, part of being a good steward is also knowing who to share our loved one's business to and who not. If they are damaged because you chose to share their business with the wrong person and in addition, it comes back to them, then damage has been done to the relationship. It also shows that in your circle of friends, you have not been a good judge of character as to who to share your confidence. Just because we are honest and trustworthy people doesn't mean we are without glitch or shortcoming. To say I am honest and trustworthy simply means, those are what I practice; not that I am incapable of being dishonest.
Repairing Trust
The good news is Trust can be healed and renewed IF both parties are active and diligent participants. Each person must determine the value of the relationship. What is it worth to them? If they are unequally yoked in their responses then they should move on. There's no need to live in disharmony and agony over something that isn't equally valued. The world is full of people which whom we can build other relationships with. People have to place the same value on the relationship. The onus of this repair usually lies on the one who violated the trust, but if the other person truly values the relationship they have the greater responsibility. Let's dissect this further:
The Offender:
1. must actively and diligently be consistent in their behavior
2. must actively and diligently be consistent in their transparency
3. must purge or repair whatever was the root cause that initiated their actions
These are reasonable requests and nothing over the top. How long should they do it? These are standards and principles. Transparency and consistency have no expiration. On the latter, we all have some form of baggage and need for maturation. We should always be evolving into better people. This is our journey of self-evolution in life, working on us, so we can in turn be blessings to others. First love is self-love.
The Offended:
1. must forgive the offense
2. must emotionally detach themselves from the offense
The reason why these are greater tasks is 2-out-of-3 of the offender's redemption is connected to some external demonstration. The offended person's process is internal. Most people can exhibit external facades but we cannot mask our internal. The offended's conversation and remarks may indicate signs of unforgiveness and that they are still keeping the offense alive. Nonetheless, after time their outward expressions of unforgiveness may change but it doesn't mean they have forgotten and therefore it be a cancer slowly metastasizing secretly throughout the years.
We have to stop, look, listen and examine the condition of our hearts. We have to diligently and actively pursue forgiveness, it's not inherent of us yet we are capable of it. It's in our circle of control. We cannot control others but we can control ourselves. A mature love says, “ I love you in advance for all the things you will say and do that will hurt me. You are flawed being, like me, and you will hurt me whether knowingly or unknowingly, but I love you anyhow. My commitment to you is to love you as I love myself.” That's the posture we should take in our relationships. That's the posture Christ took towards us when he died for us, for the the remission of our sins. Love sacrifices self so that life can strive and thrive, and a part of that sacrifice is the gift of forgiveness. We all are candidates to receive it.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Doors: Entrances and Exits
Sometimes knowing when to enter or exit relationships, jobs, churches, or other varying situations/environments in our lives can be somewhat challenging. Doors present opportunities, to both enter and exit. However, sometimes people have a hard time entering or transitioning into a new season of their lives because they refuse to close doors to their current seasons. An important principle to commit to heart and mind, the way we exit one situation sets the tone of how we enter another.
For example, sometimes people exit marriages and relationships with bitterness, anger, resentment and unresolved issues. If they don't release those negative emotions, they will carry those into their next relationships. They will affirm that they are a healed and whole but as you get closer to them, shards of the remnants of their past will cut you.
NO ONE self heals when his soul and heart have been wounded. It takes being with someone else capable of healing on a consistent basis and going through the growing pains of healing and maturation to rid the pain of the past. If not, it will become a cancer of sorts and plague areas in a new relationship, new job, new church that should be healthy. It will kill even the most beautifully budding relationship and situation. We cannot carry unnecessary baggage and arrogant intolerance that we refuse to divorce ourselves . We have to both forgive and forget other's inabilities to be what we have needed in the various stages of our lives. To forget doesn't mean to erase the memory that it happened but the negative emotions attached to it.
Signs when it's time to exit:
1. Your growth is stunted, you can no longer receive anything of value that will grow or mature you as a person. Sometimes it may cause you to regress instead of progress.
2. You have layers of bitterness and resentment that cannot be purged within the context of that situation, relationship or environment.
3. Your passion and zeal has been extinguished.
4. It becomes a source of reoccurring pain, turmoil and confusion in your life. You dread being around that person or in that environment.
5. When whatever benefit you receive from that relationship or situation can be easily replaced.
6. You are no longer equipped to make or add a positive change.
7. It hinders you from fulfilling your call and purpose. It's a stumbling-block of sorts.
People, in general, have no problem entering through the various doors of their lives. Nonetheless, before entering the next doors consider the following:
1. Is this relationship or situation going to grow or mature you?
2. Will you heal and release your baggage?
3. What will you contribute?
4. Are your passionate about it?
5. Are you emotionally, mentally or spiritually involved?
6. Is this the right timing in your life?
7. Are you well-equipped for the responsibilities and accountability that comes along with this newness?
8. How does it align to your call or purpose in life?
For example, sometimes people exit marriages and relationships with bitterness, anger, resentment and unresolved issues. If they don't release those negative emotions, they will carry those into their next relationships. They will affirm that they are a healed and whole but as you get closer to them, shards of the remnants of their past will cut you.
NO ONE self heals when his soul and heart have been wounded. It takes being with someone else capable of healing on a consistent basis and going through the growing pains of healing and maturation to rid the pain of the past. If not, it will become a cancer of sorts and plague areas in a new relationship, new job, new church that should be healthy. It will kill even the most beautifully budding relationship and situation. We cannot carry unnecessary baggage and arrogant intolerance that we refuse to divorce ourselves . We have to both forgive and forget other's inabilities to be what we have needed in the various stages of our lives. To forget doesn't mean to erase the memory that it happened but the negative emotions attached to it.
Signs when it's time to exit:
1. Your growth is stunted, you can no longer receive anything of value that will grow or mature you as a person. Sometimes it may cause you to regress instead of progress.
2. You have layers of bitterness and resentment that cannot be purged within the context of that situation, relationship or environment.
3. Your passion and zeal has been extinguished.
4. It becomes a source of reoccurring pain, turmoil and confusion in your life. You dread being around that person or in that environment.
5. When whatever benefit you receive from that relationship or situation can be easily replaced.
6. You are no longer equipped to make or add a positive change.
7. It hinders you from fulfilling your call and purpose. It's a stumbling-block of sorts.
People, in general, have no problem entering through the various doors of their lives. Nonetheless, before entering the next doors consider the following:
1. Is this relationship or situation going to grow or mature you?
2. Will you heal and release your baggage?
3. What will you contribute?
4. Are your passionate about it?
5. Are you emotionally, mentally or spiritually involved?
6. Is this the right timing in your life?
7. Are you well-equipped for the responsibilities and accountability that comes along with this newness?
8. How does it align to your call or purpose in life?
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
The Weed of Jealousy: Uprooting the Causes
Jealousy is defined as a feeling of resentment, fear and/ or suspicion of another person's rivalry, success or advantage. An intolerance of unfaithfulness or rivalry.
For the purpose of today's blog, I will define jealousy, as feeling of comparative demotion and/or a by-product of insecurities. In this definition, we can also extract simple sibling jealousy. Is the sibling just "hating" on his brother or is he jealous of the external attention the other child receives? He may feel less important or that what he has done isn't comparatively recognized on the same level of his sibling. Cain felt jealousy towards Abel. Why? His offering wasn't accepted the same. He felt rejected because his offering was demoted.
I use the word "comparative" because there is usually a point of reference, something that people internally compare their feelings to. "I used to feel this way but now I feel this way." "You used to treat me this way but now you treat me this way." It's usually predicated off of experiences shared, and these experiences serve as points of references. "I used to feel special but now I don't." "What I thought was sacred and special between us or something that was once mine, is now being shared with others." We sometimes feel jealousy towards people we haven't shared a level of intimacy with but it's more intense with people we have.
Jealousy is normal and can be a healthy emotion. We inherit it from our creator. What makes any emotion negative, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually is how we choose to respond to it. Emotions are indicators of our internal thermostats. They indicate how we are responding and internalizing the world around us;and if we are in harmony or if there's violations or disorder. Jealousy is an indicator that there something is off kilter, even momentarily.
Let's explore two roots causes of jealousy: Demotion and Insecurity.
God is a jealous god. He is intolerant of rivalry and unfaithfulness. What could make God, master architect of all creation, jealous? He made all things, he has millions who love and serve him and angels at his beck and call night and day. What could we do to make him feel jealous? The answer is simple, demotion. Demotion can be:
1. Not making someone a priority who was once a priority and now they have to rival for your time and attention, especially after they have showed love and service to you.
2. To share endearment and special placing in your life with someone else on a similar level or even seemingly.
3. The loss of intimacy, taking that which is special between you two and it becoming commonplace amongst others.
There are varying degrees of jealousy. A child hearing his/her parent calling another child their son or daughter could bring about a tinge of jealous. Or a dad hearing his daughter call another man Dad. We don't intentionally mean to hurt people. We are expressing a feeling of endearment and likening it to perhaps a feeling of love and nurture we have received or would like to receive. Nonetheless, what someone else is hearing is I am being replaced or I am not good enough so you found a replacement for me.
Jesus was God's only begotten son, and obeyed him, served him yet by virtue of Jesus' faithfulness and servitude, we became sons of God likewise. What if Christ got off the cross and said, "This is crap Father. I've done all the work but now you are gonna accept them, adopt them into our family?" Funny illustration, but those are real emotions we feel sometimes. "I lay down my life for you and someone else "undeserving" who hasn't contributed the same labor of love comes along and gets promoted to my level in your life. They are receiving the special attention I was privied to. They get the special attention I was accustomed to."
You can rationalize it or demonize it but when all the layers are pulled away, it hurts to feel your special place with someone is threatened. Perhaps someone else is receiving the special occasion and just because gifts we did or "good morning calls, emails and texts." They are called our pet names. They are receiving more of our loved one's time, which means we are receiving less. People are entitled to make changes in their lives and re-prioritize people's placings in their lives but it still causes discomfort and pain.
All people experience jealousy but we don't all express it the same way. Some express it outwardly by their countenance and actions. Others may express it indirectly by innuendos or withdrawal. While others may just candidly say it. Men are more logical and women more emotional, this doesn't mean the either side lacks in logic or emotional capabilities but one has a little bit more than the other. Not too much of either is too good. Nonetheless, the way jealousy is perceived and received to the other sex is where lies the problem. Women, in their emotional makeup, have a powerful gift called intuition, the ability to perceive without seeing or having concrete evidence or proof. Women are gatherers, always gathering information and details. Men are hunters, looking at the target, goal, the headlines. Yet sometimes signals get crossed because communication involves more than one person and perspective. In communication, we are always emitting and receiving cues/signals to and from one another.
When men say women are too emotional, men are applying logic to places that are illogical-emotions. When women say men are too insensitive or stoic, women are applying emotions to places of rationale-logic. Nevertheless, we feed off of one another. It's call and response.
Most people, regardless of gender, cannot express their potentially negative emotions in a healthy manner. They tend to avoid or ignore things that when metastasized can kill a relationship. Love in its nature is not jealous, nonetheless, you can take anything in its purest form and transform it into something it wasn't meant to be. God is love, God gets jealous. God isn't just sitting in heaven knit-picking waiting for you to do something to make him jealous. He is responding to your actions. He can feel a break in the circle of love, notice when you are deviating or re-prioritizing your life. God created both male and female, he's both giver and receiver, initiator and responder.
Nonetheless, sometimes people purposely try to induce jealousy in a loved one. That's a cry of pain that says "you hurt me by demoting me and now I want you to feel the same." People use what works. If discussing it rationally in a healthy conversation would render desired results, people would but when people realize that they are not free to speak and things result in arguments or awkward moments, then they resort to other methods of communicating displeasure. Who uses a weapon that is ineffective? Nonetheless, sometimes this backfires and causes damage because the other person gets wounded. A wound left unattended can become infected and potentially cause irreversible damage.
We should never try to hurt someone we love. Pain is pain. If we sow pain, we will reap pain. If we sow rejection, we reap it. Love is simple because it's something you do. Give the love you want. Give the respect you want. Give the honesty you want. Give the decisiveness you want. Give the clarity you want. Give the trust you want. Sometimes we are not receiving what we want or need because of what we are transmitting. Generally when people shut down on us, change their behavior or pattern, it's usually because of something they received from us, men and women alike.
Most men live in their past actions, because they have a resume of doing certain things, then those actions of yesterday should validate today's meaning. Even God knows that doesn't work, if so the only gift of love God should ever had to give was given at Calvary. Yet, God bestows his love, grace, mercy and blessings on us fresh daily. God gives his Word, his promises, his love and the longevity of those. If we don't trust God, who can we trust? Nonetheless, he knows the human heart grows faint. Knowing and consistently showing have to be in harmony. He expects the same from us. We said we loved him at the moment of salvation yet and he wants to be told and shown daily. This is a never-ending cycle and it's not laborious if you truly love a person. To love should come out effortlessly if you truly do. Why moderate love and the expression of it, in word or action?
Consistency rids unnecessary drama. If you like drama be inconsistent, you will definitely reap the consequences. People find refuge in patterns because patterns lend to certainty and dependability. They translate "I can count on you". The Bible is a summation of patterns that express God's nature, character and consistency. He changes not. Consistency means responsibility and accountability. We should not marry people who shun accountability, responsibility and consistency towards us. When you see signs of wavering and inconsistency, those are indications that this person is unstable and they are about to take us on an emotional rollercoaster.
Jealousy can be birth out of simple situations that are so easily managed and controlled. Don't expect standards, you don't demonstrate. Don't expect timely returned phone calls if you don't it. Don't expect smiles and compliments if you don't give them. Don't expect accolades and gratitude for something you didn't do. Don't be jealous if all of the aforemetioned are being displayed to someone else. Patterns duplicate. Love is the same yesterday, today and forever. When we switch up these patterns, whether for reasons explained or unexplained, we have planted seeds that may reap a harvest we may not want. Rid jealousy by being more thoughtful in your actions and consistent.
Swap places with the other people, how would I feel if...? Be honest! Some people might not feel bothered but if you know this is a sore spot with someone then act accordingly. An arrogant spirit says "Oh well your problem, not mine. Fight those feelings. I'm not your doctor or nurse." We all have the capabilities to be healers. Jealousy is best handled with open non-threatening dialogue. Attack the problems but never the person. When you love someone you care about them enough to inconvenience yourself. Also be responsible and accountable to what signals, expressions and actions you are transmitting out.
Another root cause cause of jealous stems from one's own personal insecurities or things imagined and not actualized. If a person has been consistent in their behavior towards you and you begin to invent areas of contention, you must gain power over your own thoughts. The first love is self-love. A part of loving ourselves is taking care of our mental and emotional health by conquering our stinking thinking. We create more drama in our minds than what need to maifest in our lives because of our unfounded thoughts and imagination.
A man says to his wife of 10 years, "I would love to see you wear more dresses and make yourself up." Not a hard request, especially if said in a loving tone and circumstance and neither threatening nor belittling. She may be a sweatsuit person but if she finds pleasure in pleasing him, whom she has promised her eternal love to, then it maybe a challenge but one she would gladly take on. It would please her to bring him that pleasure. Nonetheless, selfishness says "No". 'I don't like dresses! I don't like makeup! This is how I am and always been. I've had you all these years, why the change now? I didn't need that stuff to get you! Are you seeing someone else?" Now jealousy is birthed. Someone's simple request and the other's inability to be flexible and versatile. People love the benefits of someone else's love but sometimes they, themselves, don't want to reciprocate in sacrifice. It would be as simple as to say, "I don't like this but guess what baby, I love you. I'll work on it."
Perhaps from that point on, every time she sees a well-dressed woman she is going to cut her eyes across to him. Every well-groomed woman becomes her new foe. Perhaps she knows she's not on her A-game and can do better. Her unrelenting decision to make a small sacrifice yielded her a nasty disposition and contention in her marriage. Other women, who are intuition driven, will dread being in her presence. Women dislike jealousy women and women who posture themselves on the defensive and overtly flaunting. She, likewise, will find fault in her husband to equalize the displeasure he has in her dress style and lack of personal care.
This situation can be resolved and that will be another blog.
On the same hand, a man who may not like the condition of his body may feel uncomfortable or sarcastic when his woman is in the presence of men he thinks she should find attractive. Unless, she is overtly giving these men inappropriate attention and gawking or always making references to his imperfections; then once again jealousy is birthed. He gave birth to it within their relationship because of his insecurities. Jealousy is sometimes so easily birthed out of personal insecurities, especially when we have let ourselves go or haven't been on our A-game.
It's always important to know the root causes of jealousy so it can be treated and healed properly. Do not let someone have to self-heal from a wound you helped to inflict. Help them with the process. On the other hand, don't punish someone because of insecurities that lie within yourself. Work on you and not only will you feel better but others will feel about you.
For the purpose of today's blog, I will define jealousy, as feeling of comparative demotion and/or a by-product of insecurities. In this definition, we can also extract simple sibling jealousy. Is the sibling just "hating" on his brother or is he jealous of the external attention the other child receives? He may feel less important or that what he has done isn't comparatively recognized on the same level of his sibling. Cain felt jealousy towards Abel. Why? His offering wasn't accepted the same. He felt rejected because his offering was demoted.
I use the word "comparative" because there is usually a point of reference, something that people internally compare their feelings to. "I used to feel this way but now I feel this way." "You used to treat me this way but now you treat me this way." It's usually predicated off of experiences shared, and these experiences serve as points of references. "I used to feel special but now I don't." "What I thought was sacred and special between us or something that was once mine, is now being shared with others." We sometimes feel jealousy towards people we haven't shared a level of intimacy with but it's more intense with people we have.
Jealousy is normal and can be a healthy emotion. We inherit it from our creator. What makes any emotion negative, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually is how we choose to respond to it. Emotions are indicators of our internal thermostats. They indicate how we are responding and internalizing the world around us;and if we are in harmony or if there's violations or disorder. Jealousy is an indicator that there something is off kilter, even momentarily.
Let's explore two roots causes of jealousy: Demotion and Insecurity.
God is a jealous god. He is intolerant of rivalry and unfaithfulness. What could make God, master architect of all creation, jealous? He made all things, he has millions who love and serve him and angels at his beck and call night and day. What could we do to make him feel jealous? The answer is simple, demotion. Demotion can be:
1. Not making someone a priority who was once a priority and now they have to rival for your time and attention, especially after they have showed love and service to you.
2. To share endearment and special placing in your life with someone else on a similar level or even seemingly.
3. The loss of intimacy, taking that which is special between you two and it becoming commonplace amongst others.
There are varying degrees of jealousy. A child hearing his/her parent calling another child their son or daughter could bring about a tinge of jealous. Or a dad hearing his daughter call another man Dad. We don't intentionally mean to hurt people. We are expressing a feeling of endearment and likening it to perhaps a feeling of love and nurture we have received or would like to receive. Nonetheless, what someone else is hearing is I am being replaced or I am not good enough so you found a replacement for me.
Jesus was God's only begotten son, and obeyed him, served him yet by virtue of Jesus' faithfulness and servitude, we became sons of God likewise. What if Christ got off the cross and said, "This is crap Father. I've done all the work but now you are gonna accept them, adopt them into our family?" Funny illustration, but those are real emotions we feel sometimes. "I lay down my life for you and someone else "undeserving" who hasn't contributed the same labor of love comes along and gets promoted to my level in your life. They are receiving the special attention I was privied to. They get the special attention I was accustomed to."
You can rationalize it or demonize it but when all the layers are pulled away, it hurts to feel your special place with someone is threatened. Perhaps someone else is receiving the special occasion and just because gifts we did or "good morning calls, emails and texts." They are called our pet names. They are receiving more of our loved one's time, which means we are receiving less. People are entitled to make changes in their lives and re-prioritize people's placings in their lives but it still causes discomfort and pain.
All people experience jealousy but we don't all express it the same way. Some express it outwardly by their countenance and actions. Others may express it indirectly by innuendos or withdrawal. While others may just candidly say it. Men are more logical and women more emotional, this doesn't mean the either side lacks in logic or emotional capabilities but one has a little bit more than the other. Not too much of either is too good. Nonetheless, the way jealousy is perceived and received to the other sex is where lies the problem. Women, in their emotional makeup, have a powerful gift called intuition, the ability to perceive without seeing or having concrete evidence or proof. Women are gatherers, always gathering information and details. Men are hunters, looking at the target, goal, the headlines. Yet sometimes signals get crossed because communication involves more than one person and perspective. In communication, we are always emitting and receiving cues/signals to and from one another.
When men say women are too emotional, men are applying logic to places that are illogical-emotions. When women say men are too insensitive or stoic, women are applying emotions to places of rationale-logic. Nevertheless, we feed off of one another. It's call and response.
Most people, regardless of gender, cannot express their potentially negative emotions in a healthy manner. They tend to avoid or ignore things that when metastasized can kill a relationship. Love in its nature is not jealous, nonetheless, you can take anything in its purest form and transform it into something it wasn't meant to be. God is love, God gets jealous. God isn't just sitting in heaven knit-picking waiting for you to do something to make him jealous. He is responding to your actions. He can feel a break in the circle of love, notice when you are deviating or re-prioritizing your life. God created both male and female, he's both giver and receiver, initiator and responder.
Nonetheless, sometimes people purposely try to induce jealousy in a loved one. That's a cry of pain that says "you hurt me by demoting me and now I want you to feel the same." People use what works. If discussing it rationally in a healthy conversation would render desired results, people would but when people realize that they are not free to speak and things result in arguments or awkward moments, then they resort to other methods of communicating displeasure. Who uses a weapon that is ineffective? Nonetheless, sometimes this backfires and causes damage because the other person gets wounded. A wound left unattended can become infected and potentially cause irreversible damage.
We should never try to hurt someone we love. Pain is pain. If we sow pain, we will reap pain. If we sow rejection, we reap it. Love is simple because it's something you do. Give the love you want. Give the respect you want. Give the honesty you want. Give the decisiveness you want. Give the clarity you want. Give the trust you want. Sometimes we are not receiving what we want or need because of what we are transmitting. Generally when people shut down on us, change their behavior or pattern, it's usually because of something they received from us, men and women alike.
Most men live in their past actions, because they have a resume of doing certain things, then those actions of yesterday should validate today's meaning. Even God knows that doesn't work, if so the only gift of love God should ever had to give was given at Calvary. Yet, God bestows his love, grace, mercy and blessings on us fresh daily. God gives his Word, his promises, his love and the longevity of those. If we don't trust God, who can we trust? Nonetheless, he knows the human heart grows faint. Knowing and consistently showing have to be in harmony. He expects the same from us. We said we loved him at the moment of salvation yet and he wants to be told and shown daily. This is a never-ending cycle and it's not laborious if you truly love a person. To love should come out effortlessly if you truly do. Why moderate love and the expression of it, in word or action?
Consistency rids unnecessary drama. If you like drama be inconsistent, you will definitely reap the consequences. People find refuge in patterns because patterns lend to certainty and dependability. They translate "I can count on you". The Bible is a summation of patterns that express God's nature, character and consistency. He changes not. Consistency means responsibility and accountability. We should not marry people who shun accountability, responsibility and consistency towards us. When you see signs of wavering and inconsistency, those are indications that this person is unstable and they are about to take us on an emotional rollercoaster.
Jealousy can be birth out of simple situations that are so easily managed and controlled. Don't expect standards, you don't demonstrate. Don't expect timely returned phone calls if you don't it. Don't expect smiles and compliments if you don't give them. Don't expect accolades and gratitude for something you didn't do. Don't be jealous if all of the aforemetioned are being displayed to someone else. Patterns duplicate. Love is the same yesterday, today and forever. When we switch up these patterns, whether for reasons explained or unexplained, we have planted seeds that may reap a harvest we may not want. Rid jealousy by being more thoughtful in your actions and consistent.
Swap places with the other people, how would I feel if...? Be honest! Some people might not feel bothered but if you know this is a sore spot with someone then act accordingly. An arrogant spirit says "Oh well your problem, not mine. Fight those feelings. I'm not your doctor or nurse." We all have the capabilities to be healers. Jealousy is best handled with open non-threatening dialogue. Attack the problems but never the person. When you love someone you care about them enough to inconvenience yourself. Also be responsible and accountable to what signals, expressions and actions you are transmitting out.
Another root cause cause of jealous stems from one's own personal insecurities or things imagined and not actualized. If a person has been consistent in their behavior towards you and you begin to invent areas of contention, you must gain power over your own thoughts. The first love is self-love. A part of loving ourselves is taking care of our mental and emotional health by conquering our stinking thinking. We create more drama in our minds than what need to maifest in our lives because of our unfounded thoughts and imagination.
A man says to his wife of 10 years, "I would love to see you wear more dresses and make yourself up." Not a hard request, especially if said in a loving tone and circumstance and neither threatening nor belittling. She may be a sweatsuit person but if she finds pleasure in pleasing him, whom she has promised her eternal love to, then it maybe a challenge but one she would gladly take on. It would please her to bring him that pleasure. Nonetheless, selfishness says "No". 'I don't like dresses! I don't like makeup! This is how I am and always been. I've had you all these years, why the change now? I didn't need that stuff to get you! Are you seeing someone else?" Now jealousy is birthed. Someone's simple request and the other's inability to be flexible and versatile. People love the benefits of someone else's love but sometimes they, themselves, don't want to reciprocate in sacrifice. It would be as simple as to say, "I don't like this but guess what baby, I love you. I'll work on it."
Perhaps from that point on, every time she sees a well-dressed woman she is going to cut her eyes across to him. Every well-groomed woman becomes her new foe. Perhaps she knows she's not on her A-game and can do better. Her unrelenting decision to make a small sacrifice yielded her a nasty disposition and contention in her marriage. Other women, who are intuition driven, will dread being in her presence. Women dislike jealousy women and women who posture themselves on the defensive and overtly flaunting. She, likewise, will find fault in her husband to equalize the displeasure he has in her dress style and lack of personal care.
This situation can be resolved and that will be another blog.
On the same hand, a man who may not like the condition of his body may feel uncomfortable or sarcastic when his woman is in the presence of men he thinks she should find attractive. Unless, she is overtly giving these men inappropriate attention and gawking or always making references to his imperfections; then once again jealousy is birthed. He gave birth to it within their relationship because of his insecurities. Jealousy is sometimes so easily birthed out of personal insecurities, especially when we have let ourselves go or haven't been on our A-game.
It's always important to know the root causes of jealousy so it can be treated and healed properly. Do not let someone have to self-heal from a wound you helped to inflict. Help them with the process. On the other hand, don't punish someone because of insecurities that lie within yourself. Work on you and not only will you feel better but others will feel about you.
Friday, February 13, 2009
People Can Add to Our Lives...
By...Enhancing and enriching who we are
and what we do.
Sharpening us through edification.
Keeping us focused on our goals when we lose sight.
Pointing us towards God when we are in our valleys.
Extracting and exhorting the best in us.
Adding solutions, corrections and blessings.
Helping us to see what is good in life and in others.
Picking us up when we fall,
even if they stumble or get hurt in the process.
Expensing themselves out to us at their sacrifice
but for our benefit.
Who are the people who add to our lives?
Look at the time they have spent in your life.
What additions have occurred in your life
during their tenure?
How have they been beacon of lights in the dark
places life brings you to?
How have they enriched and enhanced you and your life?
Are you a better person because of knowing them?
Do they make you want to accomplish more,
be the best you can be, from your walk, talk and dress?
One plus One is Two.
Two are Better than One
if Both are Positive
Thursday, February 12, 2009
People Can Subtract From Our Lives...
By...
Distracting and draining
Offering little to nothing to replenish that
which they reap and gain from us.
Deflating our hopes through their pessimism and sarcasm.
Hindering us from our goals.
Just being simply incapable of being what
we need in the varying seasons of our lives.
Leading us away from the mind of Christ to
their carnal status quo mentalities.
Highlighting and emphasizing the worse in us.
Adding or recognizing problems in our lives with no solutions.
Letting us stray in our ignorance.
Compounding our arrogance by agreeing with our foolishness.
Pointing out the ills of life and the worse in others.
Giving us ill-advised counsel.
Advising us to retaliate in retribution and vengeance,
when others do us wrong.
Accepting us in our brokenness
instead of being a healing balm.
Using us as a buffer when they fall,
and abandoning us when we most need them.
Seeking their selfish benefit at our sacrifice and expense.
Seemingly heroes in our lives but truly zeroes.
Who are the people who subtract from your life?
Examine the time they have spent in your life.
What return on your investment have you gotten?
Distracting and draining
Offering little to nothing to replenish that
which they reap and gain from us.
Deflating our hopes through their pessimism and sarcasm.
Hindering us from our goals.
Just being simply incapable of being what
we need in the varying seasons of our lives.
Leading us away from the mind of Christ to
their carnal status quo mentalities.
Highlighting and emphasizing the worse in us.
Adding or recognizing problems in our lives with no solutions.
Letting us stray in our ignorance.
Compounding our arrogance by agreeing with our foolishness.
Pointing out the ills of life and the worse in others.
Giving us ill-advised counsel.
Advising us to retaliate in retribution and vengeance,
when others do us wrong.
Accepting us in our brokenness
instead of being a healing balm.
Using us as a buffer when they fall,
and abandoning us when we most need them.
Seeking their selfish benefit at our sacrifice and expense.
Seemingly heroes in our lives but truly zeroes.
Who are the people who subtract from your life?
Examine the time they have spent in your life.
What return on your investment have you gotten?
How many withdrawals have they made without making sufficient deposits?
What minuses have occurred during their tenure in your life?
Have they been beautiful paint on the backdrop of your life
or just the builder's white paint?
Are you a better person from knowing them?
Have you become complacent and lethargic?
Have they made you comfortable with status quo?
How does their life and light shine?
Perhaps they have taken some of your glow,
and you aren't as bright as you were before
meeting them...
Light attracts light.
Iron sharpens iron.
Instead of sharpening your mind, they dull it.
You adopt their mediocrity and mundane attitudes
of acceptance and "whatever".
One minus One is Zero,
Two are Better than One,
if Both are Positive.
What minuses have occurred during their tenure in your life?
Have they been beautiful paint on the backdrop of your life
or just the builder's white paint?
Are you a better person from knowing them?
Have you become complacent and lethargic?
Have they made you comfortable with status quo?
How does their life and light shine?
Perhaps they have taken some of your glow,
and you aren't as bright as you were before
meeting them...
Light attracts light.
Iron sharpens iron.
Instead of sharpening your mind, they dull it.
You adopt their mediocrity and mundane attitudes
of acceptance and "whatever".
One minus One is Zero,
Two are Better than One,
if Both are Positive.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Jireh: One Source, Many Resources
"But my God shall supply all your needs, according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus."
Apostle Paul, 60-62 A.D
In life, we learn to be dependent individuals. We inherently and subconsciously allow things and people to define us. Soon we begin to adhere to a world that others have created for us. In this creation, we begin to formulate our thoughts and beliefs that our lives are centered around these external things. We become dependent on these things to define us, whether it be our education, status, job, relationships, church, money or the other varying things we attach our identities in and to.
Yet, when life happens, when things don't happen according to our pre-calculated plans then we fear loss. Therefore, with this fear of loss we begin holding tightly to that which we fear to lose, making it a deity of sorts in our lives. Whatever you are afraid to lose, you will lose. We must ask ourselves, what is our life centered around? Spouse-centered? Job-centered? Money-centered, Children-centered, Church-centered, Status-centered and so forth. If we were to lose that which we centered our lives around, where would that leave us?
Living a principle-centered life is the key to this disparity and obscurity when trying to roadmap our lives. God is known as Jehovah Jireh, the god who provides. When God becomes our source from which our dependency flows, then all other things in life become resources. These resources can empower us to prosper for a reason, season or a lifetime. Therefore if and when our resources change, our lives are not devastated because we are still connected to our source. When we are not grounded in God and we do not live our lives according to principles, we are easily thrown like chaff which even a gentle wind displaces.
Our divine source can provide us resources which meet our needs according to our appropriate seasons and levels in our maturation process. It is our responsibility to stay connected to our source so that we may know when to enter and exit, when to attach and detach. Here lies our biggest problems. Knowing when to enter and exit seasons, when to detach and attach. Always stay alert to the climate and temperatures in your life. It will give signs when it's time to go and grow. It's like the sun being a source of energy for plants to grow through photosynthesis. Plants can have rich soil, water, air, and chlorophyll in their leaves but without the sun they will not grow. The sun takes all of those resources that plants needs and helps them to work together for the plants life cycle...seed, seedling, flower, fruit, seed. Consider yourself a plant.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Control Your World
I am, indeed, a king, because I know how to rule myself.
~Pietro Aretino, 10 May 1537
Self-control is one of the most important concepts in life. If you cannot control yourself, you won't be able to control anything else. Part of self-control is developing internal metrics called principles.
Life, due to situations, circumstances and people, will be a summation of variegated changes; nonetheless principles don't change according to the external thermostats in our lives. They apply across the board, at all times.
Once we have them locked in, then we will be able to take a proactive stance in our lives; we transform from being reactive beings to proactive beings. Proactive people apply self-control. When the mental and emotional tsunamis and varying challenges of life happen (because they will), these people will be able to respond with a healthy principle-oriented perspective versus being impetuous, finger-pointing and controlled by fear and external distractions. They take control of their emotions and thoughts and therefore their lives. They will rarely ever miss their dates with destiny.
We are internal beings having external experiences. There will always be things that we can control and things that we cannot control. Which ever the case, be always ready to respond.
Don't put life or people in boxes whereas when something happens out of your predefined parameters and scope that you lose mental, emotional, or spiritual control. No one makes you do anything, you are responsible for your actions and how you let people affect you. No one can make you feel any way that you did not give them permission to.
On the same note, you cannot control people but you can control the various climates of your life, whether work, home, social and etc. If you can't control yourself you will never be able to control anything else in life. Be a proactive person in life. Course out your map and take control of life, actions, emotions. Don't let external things determine your mental, emotional, intellectual or spiritual thermostats. You set the gauges and then adhere to them.
Peaks and Valleys: The Summation of Life
We're either ascending up a mountain, going down one, or sojourning through a valley on our way to another mountain. Nonetheless, we travail through these endless treks towards our destinies ensconced in God's love, protection and provision. We gauge our paths through hindsight, foresight and insight, knowing that others have traveled these paths. There is no danger or deterrent big or small, near or far that we cannot not overcome. We learn through experiences that we must prepare ourselves for the seasonal changes.In our spring, we encounter the freshness and newness of life. We see life as a kaleidoscope of beautiful possibilities. We see things that were sown into our lives begin to bud and bloom. We sow seeds to our harvest. Old things begin to wash away. We learn how to climb mountains and make it appear effortlessly. We birth new ideas and concepts that propel us into our next season.
In our summer, things are energized and thriving. We go from thinking we can, to knowing we can. Our skies are clear and our vision so pristine. Things heat up, our potential energy transforms into kinetic energy. We have made it to the apex of the mountain. We rejoice in the end of a long journey and the rewards of our accomplishments. Once again, we sow seeds to our harvest. Although the peak experience is fulfilling within itself, it does not have the sustenance to maintain us forever. So we must sojourn to another place of provision.
In the fall, , we travel down the mountain side. The colors of life begin to change, the prosperous "greens" slowly turn to cautious "ambers" and halting "reds". Winds from all directions begin to cool things down that were once so hot. Nonetheless, during this season when all seems uncertain, we begin to harvest. We do not receive a harvest, we begin to go into the fields and reap it ourselves with our labor. We collect a cornucopia of provision, even things we didn't necessarily know we had sown or others sow on our behalf, Although things around us are changing, we have a certain fullness. We have been fully prepared to endure the Winter.
Winter, occur in the valleys. Everything seems to become so leveled and mundane. The simple things that once brought us joy seem to have been buried in the snow. We at times feel cold, hungry and lonely but we nourish off of our harvest and hope it lasts. Daylight shortens and we have to search in prolonged darkness for our joy. We search for courage and patience to endure the valley, to exit winter and not be cold and wounded from the feelings of obscurity. We learn to see, that although life around us seems to be barren and every turn we make leads to some uncertain death in some area of our life; things are not dead but hibernating and in a process of preparation called "new birth". Yet even through the season of winter, when your well runs dry and famine sets in, we still sow.
As long as the Earth remains seedtime and harvest, day and night, the seasons will never cease. Once again as the snow melts you find yourself at yet another to climb but in the freshness and newness of another Spring.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Love Casts Mountains Into the Sea
“Love conquers all: and we succumb to love.”
- Publius Vergilius Maro Virgil (70-19 BC)
Is there anything Love can't conqueror? First, what is Love? God is Love. One of Love's most valuable, active ingredients is faith. Without faith it is impossible to please God. Love believes all things, is full of hope. Love without faith is impotent, inactive, incapable of yielding.Life is a cycle of peaks and valleys. When the mountains of despair stand before Love, Love does not coward down. Love activated by “mustard-seed” faith casts the mountain into the sea. We choose who we will love. We don't choose family, we choose our friends. God chose to love us. Greater love has no man than he lay down his life for someone he chooses to love.
There are real mountains in life and there are ones we create. The real mountains are easier to conquer than the ones we create. The ones we create lay captured in the prison of our minds and emotions. Only we have the power to set ourselves free. God gives us the tools and the opportunities to move matter and recreate our lives. Empowered with Love, we are more than conquerors. We can conqueror anything once we conqueror ourselves. Capture that inner power today and go on to fulfill your destiny.
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